It's a damn shame that I lost my necklace whose pendant depicts the signing of the Declaration of Independence. There is only one time during the year that it is actually relevant. Every other day of the year it only serves to demonstrate how weird I am. I'm still reeling from the loss of that necklace.
You know what else is a damn shame? That "1776" will only be aired at 11:00 pm tomorrow. On TCM. It used to be played on basic cable, during the prime it's-too-hot-outside-and-the-fireworks-won't-start-for-a-few-hours-anyway movie watching hours of the afternoon. What a great idea for a musical! To depict the events of the days leading up to July 4th, 1776 - all through song and dance! Brilliant. But since I will be with a group of people I don't know this weekend, it would probably be wise to keep my love for this movie under wraps.
I sat down for an impromptu meeting with my new supervisor today. He seems like a good guy, like he knows how to manage people and how to get things done. I did tell him that I will probably be leaving mid-August. I like to temper my own declarations of independence to the higher-ups with a dash of uncertainty. I had been planning to wait a little longer to tell him - the only reason I told him today was because I was trying to avoid answering his "what do you want to do with your life" question. After mumbling "I don't know" quietly and awkwardly a couple of times, he asked me "well what do you know?" and the only thing I could think to say was that I was possibly thinking about maybe moving in August.
He then went on to offer free counseling. Which was odd, because I don't know this man and we have had maybe 4 conversations. He asked me what I would do if I won the lottery, a question that I dread - even more so when near-strangers ask it.
Because something feels wrong to me about naming my ideas about my own life. Nothing I say outloud could do justice to the convictions I hold in my mind and in my heart about the kind of person I want to be. And maybe that's just insecurity, not wanting to really speak up about who I am. I tried to tell him about going to Guatemala and how it made me realize that I want to do something good with my life, something that benefits other people. But of course, I said it in a way that made hardly any sense at all and just sounded dumb. I don't know how to find the words to express all that I feel.
I talked to my mom on the phone last night... and it's getting hard to keep my head up in the face of doubts that have been coming my way. And it's not just her (and she's my mom, of course she's worried for my well-being) but it's many others. Is it so wrong to want to do something different than what everyone else is doing? Do I really have to follow the same path as everyone else in order be considered successful and smart? I think that is really silly. I'm not worried. At all. The only thing that makes me worry is when other people get to thinking about my future and then tell me all about the misfortune they foresee. They plant their little, ugly seeds in my head and I feel that fear creep up on me.
I need to buy a plane ticket. But, I will save that for after the holiday weekend. I will be heading out of town this weekend, for road trip number 2 of 3. It will be a long drive tonight... about 6.5 hours. And I will be visiting the hometown of a friend, which will be great. And if I get to catch even a few minutes of "1776," well then we can call the trip a success.
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