Oh, heavens no!

The following exchange happened at a recent talk given by Justice Sandra Day O'Connor in Portland. Two of my housemates skipped the line afterwards to ask her their questions. Despite their liberal leanings, they approached Justice O'Connor to ask their innocent and earnest questions in the hopes of getting some inspiring answers.

Becca: 'So, was there, like, 1 issue that really inspired you to become a Supreme Court Justice? One issue that was really important to you?'
Justice O'Connor: 'Oh, heavens no! They just gave me the job, I didn't even really want it.'

I kid you not, that was her actual answer.
Sandra D, you old bat! Here I was, thinking you were some sort of majorly important woman ready to impart your wisdom. Such passion! It's a good thing that the position of the first female Justice wasn't wasted on someone who actually CARED about politics.

Aye carumba.

Dude, give it up. Your car clearly is not going to start.

I cannot believe the perfection of the weather today. I'm sitting on our porch, with a (borrowed) laptop balanced on my thighs. Some poor schmuck down the block is trying to get their car started, but the engine won't turn over. It sounds pretty pathetic, like an old, asthmatic dog. The sky is completely cloudless, little bluebirds are chirping and I'd be willing to say that the temperature is hovering somewhere near a perfect seventy degrees. I feel like I'm in Pleasantville.

This weekend was pretty great. I went to my first Portland party, with a keg and everything! I felt like I was home. Lovely that only when I see a keg do I feel like I'm finally in the presence of something familiar. I can't help it! I went to a Big 10 school. I ended up at this party after a day of moping and feeling depressed, somehow devoid of all the warm fuzziness I felt when I last wrote. A couple of people said they were heading out to a party in North Portland, and so I decided to join them - if only because I really wanted a beer. At one point a group of kids started playing flip cup, and I felt this huge surge of competitiveness rise up! But I didn't join the game, because I didn't want to be that weird person at the party who gets way too in to the drinking games even though no one at the party knows them. Nobody likes that guy.

2 more people moved out of the house today. Well, techinically they moved out when I moved in, because I took their place in te basement... but they've been mostly sleeping on our couches for the past month. The two guys were unbelievable goofy and funny, and I'm really going to miss them. One of them is a performance artist who once painted his face like Darth Maul, sat on a stage in nothing but a pair of whitie tighties, drank juice boxes, and called his mom on his cell phone. So. You can imagine that they were pretty goofy guys.

That leaves a total of 6 people living here. And with people seemingly dropping like flies from this place, it only makes me think more about what I'm going to do in December. But I need to not think about that for now and just focus on the task at hand: the GRE. I need to do some math studying today, and I'm going to really try to not get down on myself when I inevitably get the majority of the questions wrong. I just need to keep working at it. But it honestly feels like my brain is resistant to re-learning this stuff and that I may just have to come to terms with the fact that my math score is not going to be good. One time a professor of mine accused me of intellectual laziness, but I can't imagine why.

But really, all I want to be doing right now is watching 'Friday Night Lights.' I finished season one last night, and I just want to watch it all day. I know that's lame. Ha, the other night when the presidential debate was on I was in the midst of my rut and watched the season three premiere of 'Heroes' in my bed while all of my housemates watched the debate in our living room. I know it's not right that I'm just not interested in politics, but I can't help it. I'd rather watch lame television shows in my bed than two politicians split hairs and use pathetic emotional appeals to win over a few more voters. Oh, wait John McCain - did you just mention that you were a prisoner of war? Well gee whiz, I suddenly find your statements on foreign policy more credible. It really grinds my gears.

Ok I need to settle in for at least two hours of some serious math studying. Then, I need to enjoy this beautiful day and do something totally crunchy and Portland-y, like go for a long bike ride or walk to a farmers' market.

"All These Squawking Birds Won't Quit" -The Shins

Here's the thing. I love coffee shops in Portland. Every few blocks or so there is a perfect little spot nestled in to a city block. The coffee is good, and the atmosphere is great. I just hate listening to other people talk. No, it's more than that. I really cannot stand when a person is squawking away, and their voice resonates at the specific frequency that sets off a series of natural reactions in me. First, I glance in the squawker's general direction. Then I glance again, my face slack but still managing to convey just how annoyed I am. Naturally, these loud-talkers are impervious to my meaningful glances. (Impervious! It's a GRE word.) So I have to turn up the volume on my ipod until it almost hurts me. I guess if I want silence I should go to a library, not a community gathering spot. Ha. I'm such a grump sometimes.

Maybe the grumpiness has something to do with the fact that I didn't sleep a single, solitary, miniscule wink last night. It started with me getting all worked up by the houseguest we had, who is a very good friend of all of my housemates. He is beautiful. He also moved to Montana this morning. But he bummed around our house all day yesterday, and I spent all day trying to be cool in the face of this tall, blonde, scruffy boy. "So... are you moving to Montana for good?" Yeah, I'm subtle like that. And let me tell you, it's tough sharing a house with three couples. They are all lovely, to be sure. But put a newly single blue-eyed hippie boy in front of me after weeks of watching 6 people in love and I'm pretty much not going to be able to help myself. That' s just how it is.

After trying to shoot meaningful glances of another kind at him - specifically the 'don't move to Montana, stay here and fall madly in love with me' kind - I went to bed. But instead of sleeping, I ended up lying awake and have some sort of epiphany about my life. Basically my head suddenly became all abuzz with little bugs of ideas flitting about, knocking in to my skull and making it impossible for me to settle in to sleep. I tossed in my bed until dawn, daydreaming in the dark and realizing that with no ties to any place, I can do anything at all. While that is fairly obvious, when that thought passed over me a sense of freedom followed and is still enveloping me like a big fuzzy sweater or something.

Part of it, actually, came from having this fantastic conversation with the beautiful Montana-bound boy. We sat on the porch and talked about nothing in particular. He told me about some of the jobs he has held, and I thought 'yeah, I want to do that, too.' And it's that easy out here. People talk about doing something, changing their lives or moving away, getting some job abroad or going on an adventure, and they do it. It seems that everyone I talk to here has these great experiences and they plan to have more. Wilderness firefighting, working on fishing boats in Alaska, teaching English in Japan, going to Mexico for 3 weeks to take pictures of the border fence. And it's not that any of those things are necessarily things I want to do (althought I'm reading Moby Dick right now, and it's making fishery work sound pretty appealing). But I could do those things, or I could think of something totally different and try that out for a little bit.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that I am in an almost constant state of rethinking everything about myself and my life. I'm trying to keep my ears and my mind open. But I feel closer in this moment to a sort of greatness than ever before, and I know that this feeling is exactly why I moved away from everything that was familiar to me. Maybe I'm getting a little loopy due to the lack of sleep, a little drunk on my own drowsiness and too easily moved to getting overly emotional. But I feel really happy and really excited, so I'm going to enjoy it.

Um. GRE time. This may call for another cup of coffee. $.50 refill, and perhaps a day old pastry? I must remember that even though I am giddy and hopped up on my own sleep deprivation right now, I'm still unemployed and can't go splurging on fresh pastries.

Also, I got the first of what I'm sure will be many uses out of my rain jacket today! I'm sure my excitement about the rain will fade quickly.

I'm Bad At Math... Just Wanted to Throw That Out There

I’m supposed to studying for the GRE today. I told myself that I would read about the essay portions – the analytical and… perspective? Is that the other essay type? Shit. I clearly need to open my book. But I’m too distracted. Marge and I are at this lovely little coffee house in this lovely little part of town. She is working from home today, which makes me very happy and lot less lonely. The sky is perfectly clear today, again. It rained this weekend and I thought for sure that the rain was settling in and making itself comfortable for its extended stay throughout fall and winter. But, miraculously, it looks like there is a little bit of this late summer sun left yet.

I went for a long bike ride this morning, about 7 miles. It felt really great, and I think that maybe all of my moroseness and gloom that tended to hang around my like Eeyore’s personal rain cloud may have been the result of a distinct lack of exercise. If all it takes to get me feeling a little happier is a surge of endorphins, then hallelujah. Better to find a simple solution late than never, yes?

Every day my mind changes and different options seem to present themselves. And that is, of course, not a bad thing. But it’s also a bit confounding. To be able to envision myself taking any number of paths is envigorating but terrifying, because I’m back to my old stomping grounds, the land of indecision. But for now, I’m studying my vocab and my math skills (that apparently are only high school level but still manage to be beyond my grasp). And I guess I will go from there.

But Portland is really great, and I don’t regret my decision to come here. Not at all. There are moments when I feel very sad and I miss being comfortable in my own skin like I was when my life had routine and when I knew my way around my own neighborhood. But then there are days like today, when I sit at a perfect little coffeehouse with a beautiful mosaic floor, across from my best friend, making conversation with the two friendly gay men who joined us at our table. The weather is perfect, and I’m not starving, and I have a nice little place to call home for now. That all may change soon, but for now everything is pretty perfect. Now all I need is a source of income.

I could stay in Portland for a while. Or I could move to the coast and live in a little town by the ocean. Or I could go to San Francisco. These are all things that have crossed my mind. But… one thing at a time. I better focus on getting a respectable math score on the stupid GRE before I make any more fantastical life plans.

Greetings from Brooklyn

So I’m sitting at a coffeehouse in Portland. In my very own neighborhood of Brooklyn. The coffeehouse doesn’t really feel like a coffeehouse, maybe because it’s so well lit, or because it’s right next to a convenience store and has the same sort of plate glass and linoleum feeling. I guess this place serves as a sort of bookstore as well, with some shelves of used books set up in the front half of the shop. I assumed that this place would have wireless internet available, but I guess I assumed incorrectly. I came here with the purpose of trolling the internet for jobs and accomplishing various other tasks via the internet. It’s unnerving how the absence of a wifi connection can throw a wrench in to all of my immediate plans. At the very least, I can drink this coffee. Maybe I’ll continue down the road after this and see what else I can find.

I think I’m settling in nicely here. Everything I see here makes me fall in love with the city a little bit more. I’m happy I came here, more than happy. This is a big change in the way I live, and it’s exactly what I needed. I needed a shake-up. I guess I’m “finding myself,” although I absolutely loathe that phrase. I’m deciding what I want for my life and what I don’t. Not at the moment. But in the scheme of things, that is the point of this phase of my life, isn’t it? Is that the point of all phases of my life? But I feel good here, immediately comfortable. Maybe that’s because of my lovely best friend who is taking the greatest of care to help me adjust. Or because it’s not all that difficult to feel comfortable when you roll out of bed in the late morning and spend the days feeling most responsibility free. But for now, in this in-between sort of place, I feel good. And happy. The sky has been clear since I arrived, I’ve spent some time with some great people. And I couldn’t really ask for much more than that.

Next up, attempting to find some sort of job. It’s hard to persevere through the process, I have learned this before. At this point I’m not too picky about what I will do, partially because there isn’t much that I’m actually qualified for. I could probably stand to be picky, too – because I’m not desperate for money. I am, however, desperate for a way to fill some time. If I work even just 15 hours a week, I will at least be able to meet some new people and stimulate my brain by learning something new.

Speaking of learning something new, the time is drawing near for me to put my money where my stupid mouth is and start studying for the GRE. I want to do it, and I need to if I want to go to grad school – which I do. It sounds easy enough – buy a GRE study, open the book, and study it. Simple. I’m just worried that my lack of discipline is going to be quite a roadblock in this process. I need to create a schedule of some sort. Everyday from noon until 4:00 I study for the GRE. Something like that. I also need to register to take the test, because without a deadline I simply cannot accomplish anything. As long as a commitment is open-ended, I will stand still and let the days pass until I know that I absolutely need to finish the task.

I need to find a way to make the energy and drive that I had on Tuesday last for a couple of more weeks. I woke up on Tuesday and spent the whole day working diligently at searching and applying for jobs. I suppose it is only Thursday. And I think I should be entitled to a few days that are dedicated only to figuring out the little things – such as how to walk to True Brew from my house and learning that they don’t have wireless internet. Lesson learned. Now I can go home and get down to business. I think I will stroll through the neighborhood a little bit more first. Continue to get my bearings.

I wonder how things will be when the rain starts in a few weeks?